Not Fitting In or Not Standing Out? 3 Ways To Help Your Daughter Feel Better
Your daughter's friendship issues aren't a sign of social failure. They're a sign of her social development in progress.
And friendship is only one aspect of social development.
It just feels like the whole kitandkaboodle because it's the most visible in a girl's social life.
And it's what I see most moms worry about...when things don't go smoothly in their friend group or there's a friendship at stake.
Social development and friendship ARE related, but they're also different.
And it's SO IMPORTANT to understand that while having strong social skills is the best predictor of overall success in life,** it's not the best indicator of success during the teen years.**
Here's why: in school, things like kindness, loyalty, respect, trustworthiness are what will make her viewed as a leader or someone a peer can talk to, but that doesn't mean her Friday and Saturday nights will be overflowing with invites.
**In the early teen years (12-15yo) being POPULAR is about social power, not quality of character. **The popular girls are more socially sophisticated. They've got chutzpah and know how to be vocal to keep their followers in place.
They're trendy, always ahead of or in the latest fashions- they set the pace. Popular girls and mean girls are sometimes one in the same but almost always mistaken for the other.
So what can YOU do, mom, to help your daughter during these days of feeling left out or not fitting in? There's quite a bit, actually, but since I'm writing this post on the fly, let's just list 3:
1) Stop telling her to be kind, nice, inclusive, honest, loyal etc so that she'll have lots of friends and will be someone that people will want to be around.
Instead, let's tell her to strive for those things simply because it feels good on the inside to be THAT person. If she's trying to please others with her behavior in an effort to feel accepted, then she'll be disappointed by the outcome.
2) Explain to her the hierarchy of social groups. That the social sophisticates (the ones in power) choose the membership in their group, and they target the ones most likely to follow first.
While your lonely girl will still feel lonely, showing her the "science" behind this stage in the evolution of friendship may lessen the hurt and offer some understanding that MOST girls feel socially challenged during these years.
That by taking her focus off where she's not she will begin to notice the potential friendships that surround her everyday.
3) Encourage opportunities for access to friendships OUTSIDE of school. The social scene at school can become static.
Church youth groups, camps, volunteering, sports teams outside of school...are more open and less socially complicated.
Lastly, rest easy. Remember that she's building coping skills during times of hurt, confusion and loneliness. Because disappointment and exclusion aren't just reserved for the teen years, they're facts of life.
The goal isn't to avoid them or "act" in ways to never be at the affect of them, rather, to be able to lean into negative experiences and come out more evolved on the other side.
This is your daily reminder that you got this and I got you.
